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Monday, October 27, 2014

Confession Of A Church Girl

Confession Of A Church Girl

Bitterness, confusion, and anger defined my life. They sat like boulders on my shoulders, weighing my entire existence. For the first few months, many would look at me and say "I miss that smile of yours; I can tell you're unhappy."

I began to fake a smile so that everyone would move on. I did things that made me happy, and I tried to ignore the feelings that eagerly threatened to overtake me, saving sadness and silent sobbing for my pillow every night. This worked well, and most people thought I was happy, but a few knew otherwise.

There are some people you can't hide your feelings from because they love others so deeply that they see right through the mask of phoniness. It wasn't long after being around them that my throat tightened as I held back tears that no one else saw. I'd tell them how I felt, and in return they'd listen, they'd love, they'd understand. They did exactly what Jesus did every time I cried out to Him.

A year ago, God revealed to me that I had taken little action in the five years of bitterness, confusion, and anger. I had been quick to defend myself and God over an issue that hit so close to home, and I did it at the expense of hurting others. These people just needed three things. They needed someone to listen, to love, and to understand. They needed someone to come alongside them and love them as deeply as Christ loves them. Instead, I debated them. Instead, I spoke quickly and listened little. Instead, I did not show Christ-like love.

I'm not saying that we shouldn't speak the truth, because we should. What I'm saying is that I did not speak truth at the right time, and I definitely didn't speak the truth in love. Rather than showing Christ's love to them, I showed them fiery and reckless words and tacked on scripture after scripture for authoritative measure, failing to follow the WWJD motto in the process. I did this to so many, mostly over social media, and I don't even remember who they were in order to apologize to them. My prayer is that they will read this and let me know so that I can personally apologize.

In the past year, I've been focusing on my attitude. I'm learning to love deeply, and its been a beautiful process. In doing so, the feelings of bitterness, confusion, and anger are turning into contentment, clarity, and cheer. In doing so, some have asked my opinion on different issues, and I've been able to share the truth in love and at the right time.

Through this process, I've allowed the following scripture to saturate my heart and mind, and its become my prayer that others see Christ when they see me.

"I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me." -Galatians 2:20 

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