Wildflowers And Pain

I'm weary. 

My thoughts were to come back to this blog with eloquent words that might encourage you, but how does one encourage another when they've had a difficult week? Perhaps encouragement comes when we can willingly admit that we are discouraged, that some weeks don't always consist of daffodils and tulips, (my favorite flowers) and that sometimes spring results in burning eyes and a stuffy nose amidst its graceful beauty. 

Yesterday evening, I noticed that Irises had bloomed in our backyard, and in true childlike fashion, I went outside to admire them. Spring brings out the inner child in me, the little girl who walked the dirt road in search of wildflowers to give to mom. I wanted her to appreciate those flowers that I picked while admiring beauty around me. I noticed every detail, every bud bursting forth, every delicate dogwood flower, every goldfinch singing in trees, and the lone Monarch searching for summer Milkweed. 

When I reached home, I hid the weeds behind my back, and told mom to close her eyes. Handing them to her, she opened her eyes, smiled and thanked me, and then insisted on placing them in a vase to display on the kitchen table. She placed them in the kitchen, the room where she spent much of her time, and made comments over how beautiful they were. 

She found beauty in those many vases of wildflowers, the very same wildflowers that caused her sneezing fits and watery eyes. As a kid, I didn't realize she was reacting to those flowers, and she never would have admitted it to me. She embraced the discouraging allergy because she saw the beauty of her little girl lovingly bringing her the most precious gift she had to offer. 

So here's to embracing the discouragement faced within the week without letting it define who I am. Here's to hoping for beauty to come from the pain. Here's to a mom who constantly puts herself last, who embraces the discouraging moments, fully knowing that throwing the weeds away would be so much easier, and yet chooses otherwise, and chooses to define those same weeds as flowers. 

I am

I've reached 15k, a long stretch from 50k, but I doubt I'd have any words if it weren't for the challenge. While 50k doesn't seem plausible, I'm not giving up. In light of reaching 15k, here's an excerpt of an exercise I worked on to begin writing a few days ago. It's unedited, as I have little time for that at the moment; however, I figured if nothing else, you might learn something new about me. Enjoy! 

I am West Virginian at heart, Pennsylvanian by location. I am burs clustered on high-waters, thorn scrapes from blackberry picking, and creek-soaked tennis shoes worn with dirt-stains and a hole at the toe. I am tears from humbleness of love. I am an old soul. I am intuitive, an over thinker of sorts, sensitive to the spirit and to the broken. I am hands raised, head bowed, heart full. I am folklore and folk music. I am dribbling a basketball on a farm on a fall day while alone with my thoughts. I am lying in the grass staring into deep blue skies and puffy clouds. I am dark nights with shimmering stars. I am wife. I am mommy. I am sister. I am daughter. I am treasure hunter of bugs, rocks, leaves, and frogs. I am parades down the dirt road drive with a pot and a spoon. I am lizards caught by tails and salamanders scooped from ponds. I am frogs thrown on my terrified sister. I am sumac trees hiding imagined cowboys and indians. I am arachnophobia. I am pearly gates and a street of gold. I am music that makes you feel something within. I am wood-smoked coats and log-filled arms. I am tranquil silence at dawn and dusk. I am massive rocks sat upon with a good book or the good book. I am head-bowed deep in prayer. I am words uttered audibly to God while looking past branches into the sky. I am spirited. I am spirit-led. 

Job Offer

God's my first priority, followed by family. I wanted to work, but I didn't want Emily in daycare all day for five days a week if it wasn't necessary. For my family, it isn't necessary. I'm humbled and grateful for my physicist husband who speaks a scientific jargon that rarely makes sense. He understands physics like I understand the written word. He's not into writing, I'm not into physics, but we are madly in love with each other, pursuing a relationship with a holy, matchless, powerful, all-knowing God who reaches down into our microscopic lives, granting opportunities from whispered year-long prayers. I'm humbled.

He hears our hearts desires, and answers them in His time, in His way. I've been praying for the past year, "God, if it's your will, allow me to find a job in which I can pursue my passions without leaving Emily elsewhere. That seems big, but you are bigger. No matter what, I trust you and your plan." 

I trusted Him, but I felt I had to take the lead. So I applied for many positions, ones that weren't even what I wanted to do, because I really didn't think an opportunity existed, especially without much experience. Adding the daycare stipulation to the mix, I doubted. It took months upon months upon months to come to a point where I had to stop. 

Stop. Relax. Enjoy what you already have. Don't worry. Don't stress. Let me lead. I am God. 

I wasn't letting God lead. I wanted to answer the prayer on my own terms with quick timing.

For the past few months, I lived the italicized words the best I humanly could. In that time, my bible began to open more, and His word anchored my longing soul. 

Six weeks ago, I felt lead to reach out to someone at my church regarding tutoring. I'm not sure why. I wrestled with asking. Tutoring wasn't exactly what I wanted to do, but I knew it was possible with our family and wouldn't require Emily going to daycare. She directed me to a contact for an online group in which a could post an ad.

Over a week later, after coming to terms with the fact that no one needed tutored, I was contacted by an academy twenty minutes from where I live. After meeting with them and exchanging a few emails in the last few weeks, I am overjoyed to announce that I will be grant writing as well as instructing students in writing upon certification. God's ways are bigger, far better than mine. He's allowing me to pursue two passions: writing and teaching. I never saw that coming after switching my major a few years ago.

I will be writing from home this year, and next year I'll begin instructing two days a week. And Emily? Daycare is provided at the same location in which I'll be teaching. God provides. He listens.

For those of you going through similar situations, trust Him better than I did. God is holy, matchless, powerful, and all-knowing. We speak this truth, believe this truth, know this truth. Today, let's live this truth. Let's live like God hears and answers the desires of our hearts, because He does.

I'm unworthy of the love God lavishes on a daily basis. The least I can do is share my humbling experience with you in hopes that you'll be encouraged to continue trusting Him.

"Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God:" I John 3:1a 

Just Write

The Weekly Wonder posts aren't working. I'm not sure if it's the way I set them up or what, but they are actually keeping me from writing on here. You see, I typically like structure, and so I assumed this would be perfect and allow me to write every week. Right now, I just need to write without categories.

With that said, here are some things going on in our lives now.

• Emily learned how to sit up on her own recently. She's a bit wobbly, but she'll get the hang of it soon enough. 

• Wes and I decided to do something about the forest of weeds growing in the lower level of our yard where a pool used to sit. We've enjoyed campfires and s'mores with friends and family, and have spent time watching for shooting stars. 

• We are getting involved with the teen group at church. Wes is going to help with worship, which is an area he's always felt led to help. I'm excited for the small groups that will soon begin. We want to serve for the glory of God. 

• My parents came up and spent the day with Emily. I found them hanging out under the apple trees in our backyard upon returning from my interview. Picture worthy. 

• I will begin working soon. I'll go into detail in a later post, but I'm thrilled for this opportunity. 

That's all for now. I'd love to write more, but, well, I'm an at-home mommy with plenty of things to accomplish. Here's to laundry, preparing our own baby food, unpacking the boxes that are hiding downstairs, and making memories with my daughter as soon as she wakes up from her nap. 

Enjoy your Monday, friends. 

July's Monthly Musings

I've failed at writing weekly wonder posts on account of a busy life. I hope to have more posts in the coming weeks for you. Since I've managed to skip three weeks, we are already on the brink of a new month, leaving us with the Monthly Musings post for July.

I wake up to a fussy, teething, wide awake but still sleepy baby who wants mommy's attention. She's an early riser. I've never been fond of waking early, and the puffy circles under my eyes due to waking up throughout the night remind me that I need more sleep. But my job begins now, regardless of my readiness. I get dressed, put my hair in a ponytail, pick Emily up, and take her to the kitchen. Fixing my hair will happen later. Thankfully, babies aren't judgemental.

We eat and Emily goes into her swing for a nap. I'll stay just out of sight until she succumbs, because if she sees me, she'll insist on receiving my attention and will cry and stay awake longer than necessary. At this point, I take time to read scripture, to pray that I'll keep my sanity throughout the day, and to write a little. Before she wakes, I'll take a few minutes to finish getting ready while I begin thinking about what needs accomplished around the home.

There's always a running list to choose from. Vacuum, sweep, dust, clean kitchen countertops, scrub toilets, wipe mirrors, wash laundry, grocery shop, pull weeds, etc. Those will wait because Emily wakes up again and it's time to play and learn, eat, and change some diapers. Hopefully the day won't be quite as interesting as a few days ago when I realized that she pood while in her jumperoo, and it ran down her leg, onto her foot, and soiled the carpet. I cleaned her up as much as I could with baby wipes, plopped her in the bathtub that I placed in the living room and gave her a toy while attempting to clean the mess before a stain set in.

Once Emily's down for another nap, I prepare and eat lunch, and then focus on doing a few things around the house. After that, if she's still sleeping, I take about a half hour to work on writing. I may write a post for my blog, try a writing exercise, or study writing techniques in books I read at college. Emily will wake again and we'll listen to some music or go outside, read a book together, and work on sitting up. More diapers. More tears. More kisses. More "I love you's." More joy than I can sum in words. She'll take a very short nap before dinner and I'll take a very short time to do something for myself. This may be working on a craft, watching a show, finding cool ideas on Pinterest, or calling someone.

Wes will soon come home and if lucky, I'll have dinner ready. We'll eat together. One of us will bathe Emily while the other washes dishes. Eventually, it'll be Emily's bedtime, and then Wes and I will spend time together.

There's joy in these little things that add one upon another into a full day. Her toothless grins and giggles from tickling combined with her desire to be snuggled up and held when she's sleepy and upset brings tears to my eyes as I write, realizing that I couldn't ask for any better.  I love the life I live.

Here's to July: I'm learning to live in the moment that I've been given. I don't want to wish it away or desire more than what Christ has given me in the here and now, carpet stains and all.

Weekly Wonder: July 4th

I didn't have a post last week as we were spending time with family for July 4th, so this is a combination of last week and this week.

1. Two weekends ago we attended my friend's wedding, and it did my soul good to watch the bride and groom unite in a godly marriage, serving as a reminder of what marriage encompasses. On a side note, I hoped and prayed that our daughter wouldn't get fussy during the ceremony. She had plenty of toys to keep her occupied and she waited until after the ceremony to cry. Parenting win!

2. Thanks to the Hommes wedding, we learned that Emily is fascinated by bubbles.

3. Our new neighbors invited us to have dinner with them. They are a nice couple who go to church nearby and have three little girls. Before we left, their oldest drew a picture and gave it to us. So sweet.

4. My heart was heavy last weekend for reasons I will not go into detail on; however, our pastor preached a difficult message that helped confirm my stance on things. I'm serving the God who lives, who is unchanging, who doesn't compromise on anything. My hope was renewed, and I'll continue holding onto that until God answers my prayer.

5. I had a wisdom tooth consultation for the first time ever and the assistant was certain I'd have to get them pulled, but the doctor said otherwise. I'm beyond thankful that I won't have to endure a painful week due to removed teeth. I've never had braces and my wisdom teeth can stay. What more can a human ask for?

6. We had an enjoyable Fourth of July weekend with Wesley's side of the family. It was nice to visit and relax. We also went to see Wesley's grandpa in the nursing home. It was great to meet him.

7. A cat was ran over on the main road in front of our house. That same cat got into our trash and while cleaning up the mess in the rain before heading to the grocery store, I fell on the driveway and soaked my jeans. How is that wonder-filled? Well, this week a girl I went to college with found out that she wouldn't be able to have her sweet baby, and that is some of the worst news one could receive, but she's handling it much better than I ever could. So, do you think my situation is awful? No. No, it's not. Pray for the real situations-like this sweet couple dealing with the loss of a child, and don't complain when small events pile on top of each other and try to create a difficult day, because it's really not difficult in comparison.

8. Our bathroom sink fixture is no longer an ugly gold faucet, and I was able to help with that process. By that I mean I was under the sink taking the old faucet apart. I'm clearly not a girly girl, but I like to be girly if that makes any sense.

9. Verse of the week: "Which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and stedfast..." Hebrews 6:19

10. Video of the week in honor of the Fourth of July, the poor kitten, and to cheer up a friend.

June's Monthly Musings

I have been going to church since I was seven years old. I gave my life over to Christ at thirteen. I have read much of the Bible, highlighting key/popular verses. Somehow though, I never sat down to read through one entire book (with multiple chapters) this entire time nor have made opening God's word a routine.

June 2015 marks a significant change. Each morning during the workweek, I get up and grab a bowl of cereal, a glass of water, and my bible. I sit at the kitchen table, eat breakfast, and then delve in to Hebrews.

The change began with the realization that I was spending more time focusing on the posts and comments written on Facebook than I was in my Bible. I'd use my phone to scroll through my newsfeed for at least five minutes every hour. In a 12 hour period, that is an entire hour wasted focusing on the lives of others while forgetting to focus on my own life, especially my spiritual life. I'd like to say that I only spent an hour on Facebook in a 12 hour period, but most hours included 10-15 of wasted time.

I went through the month of May with a gut-feeling that I needed to delete the Facebook app on my phone, but I used one silly excuse after another. It wasn't until the first weekend in June during a technology deprived Women's Retreat that God used someone else to speak to me. That evening, I turned on my phone and deleted Facebook. I needed to show my dedication to God, not to man. Step 1 was deleting the app, and Step 2 was routinely delving into scripture.

I still check my newsfeed using my computer, but I have to intentionally open and turn it on which makes it more difficult to access. This hasn't come with some struggle. For instance, I've told myself that using Safari to check Facebook was completely different than using a Facebook App. But, no, it's not, and I have to remind myself of that often.

All of this will sound silly to some, especially those who rarely use social media. However, addictions come in all shapes and sizes and don't always have to be considered bad to the mainstream in order to be an addiction. Addictions keep our eyes off Jesus and our eyes on ourselves and others. I don't want anything to do with something or someone who distances me from the Lord, and that's exactly why a change was necessary.

I'm excited to continue reading Hebrews. I'm only on chapter 7 because it's deep and takes time to digest and understand, but I'm finally spending more time with God than on social media, and I'm 100% thankful for that.

Refine me, Lord.