Short & Sweet: When I Didn't Get the Family I Dreamed Of

My husband and I didn't marry until we were nearly 31. As soon as we were settled financially we began working on having a family. After several months of not conceiving we turned to adoption.

Infertility is extremely heartbreaking, but God graciously led us through it. Yes, we shed tears, but from the very beginning He prepared our hearts for this possibility.

Within the first few weeks of trying to conceive, I either read or heard three stories of women who had dealt with infertility. I thought, "God are you trying to tell me something?" As I listened to women share how difficult it was for them to handle the news of friends and family members who had become pregnant, I prayed, "Lord, don't let me be like that. Help me to rejoice with those who rejoice." And He did!

At that time we were involved in a small church of maybe 100 people, where seven other couples were also having difficulty conceiving. The Lord told me to pray these couples get pregnant. That way when they got pregnant, I would be excited for an answer to my prayers. You know what? Every one of those couples did eventually get pregnant. And I was able to truly rejoice with them.

We, however, never did get pregnant. The five children we raised were all adopted from eastern European orphanages. They came with overloaded baggage, irreparable foundations, and the inability to attach. The years we had them at home were filled with horrendous behaviors. Again, I had innumerable opportunities to commiserate about the family I never got. By the grace of God alone, I did not.

You see, in my late twenties I had grown angry at God when He didn't give me a man to love. I felt I could no long trust God with my deepest longings. As a result, I knew what it felt like to have a wall between God and me. Once that wall came down, I decided I never wanted another one.

It was a battle at times to not resent God's will for me as a mom. Usually, I just didn't let my mind go there. But one day I told my counselor, "I think I need to have a funeral for the children I never got." He encouraged me to do so. I never did—it was enough for me to just recognize the need.

If we are going to remain content in God's plan for our lives, there will be times we have to bury our dearest dreams and trust that some day we will witness a resurrection.

So here I sit today, my children are all grown with their own families. Much of their inability to attached has healed as they've had their own children. Some of my children are rock solid in the Lord. Another just bought his own home. Most of them are moving forward in life beautifully.

Contentment is the only way to parent at our best. When we parent out of fear, envy, guilt, or a sense of failure or inadequacy, we (unintentionally) sew discord in our children's hearts. But when we parent out of contentment, we sew peace and joy and confidence. We have to choose—every day—to be grateful for what God has given us and to trust that His plans are perfect.

How did I stay content when I didn't get the family I dreamed of? Well, I wasn't always successful, that's for sure. But as I sought God's heart on a regular basis, He helped me to …

• refuse bitterness
• surrender my dreams
• pray for others to get what I didn't have
• thank Him when they did
• and trust Him no matter what

Cheri Johnson calls herself a SAFE mom: Step/Adoptive/Foster/or Every other kind of mom to non biological children. She's a mother to five children all adopted from Russia in 1997 and 2000. Many days she wanted to run away. She felt alone, misunderstood, and beaten down. Yet, God took the painful, confusing, and scary times and turned them into wholeness, beauty, and treasures. She now shares her pearls—gems grown from the grit of parenting—on her blog (https://motherofpearlsblog.wordpress.com/) and Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pearlsoftheheart/?ref=aymt_homepage_panel).

In addition to her five children, she's also married to her loving husband, Bob, who shares with her the joys of ten (and counting) grandchildren. They live in St. Paul, MN. 

Short & Sweet: An Invitation to Hurt is an Invitation to Trust

There was no way we could hide it from him.

We’d brought a baby home with every intention of adopting him, but the entire process was being derailed. Our seven-year-old was with us from the moment the plan began to unravel, and I knew I couldn’t hide it. He was watching and asking valid questions. “Will we get to keep the baby? Will you be sad if we don’t? Will we get another baby if we have to give this one back?”

Those questions sent splintering cracks through my already fragile heart. On the one hand I was trying to love and bond with a baby I may lose; on the other hand I had a son who was trying to find security in the shakiest of situations. I wanted to shield him from all that was falling apart.

I’m the adult, I told a friend one day. I can take the blow of loss, but I’m worried about what this will do to my son. If we lose the baby, I can’t pretend like it never happened. Court dates, phone calls—I can’t shield him from everything.

In the middle of my panicked tears, my friend spoke these wise words to me: “Invite him into your pain. He will learn to trust the Lord in crisis by watching you do it.”

There’s a lot that’s foggy about the seven months we lived in uncertain territory. But those words stand strong and clear in my mind. I took them in, wringing out the reality that could appear side-by-side with the chronic ambiguity we found ourselves living in. I could talk with my son honestly, and I could cry in front of him. I could also take this painful experience and point him to Jesus as our Hope and Comforter. Instead of whispering or pretending our faces weren’t strained by concern and fear, we talked openly about how God would take care of both us and the baby if our lives threaded out in different directions.

Yes, it would hurt.

Yes, we would be sad.

But oh yes, God would be with us in our sadness and would one day heal our hurt.

I don’t know if we handled it all right. As a mom I question pretty much everything about my parenting. But I can look back and see that my son was confident through the ups and downs of that unruly adoption process. And though his little heart is still learning about who God is and what it might mean to follow Him, he didn’t doubt that God would be with us in whatever way our story ended.

A few weeks ago, my mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor, and while tears streaked my face for days at a time, my now-eight-year-old watches me with serious eyes as I once again invite both him and his baby brother into my pain. He’s not alarmed by my tears, and I hope that he is learning it’s okay to feel uncertain sometimes. It’s okay to feel sad and unsure--because underneath it all is the steady beat of hope in Christ and the unbroken faithfulness of God who is always with us.

Find Glenna Marshall by clicking on the links below.

www.glennamarshall.com

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Short & Sweet: Forty Days

*This isn't a typical Short & Sweet post, but I hope it serves to encourage those in a waiting period.

Truth? Patience doesn't come easy for me. Reality. I'm forced to practice patience on the daily, and with every year, it seems to increase based on the happenings of life. This season of waiting for a baby to arrive after being pregnant for what feels like forever is difficult. The discomfort, the baby kicks, and the "how are you feeling" and "when are you due" questions make it near impossible to keep from being anxious. The doctor bringing up induction makes me wonder if this baby will take just as long to arrive as our first. The last month feels like a thousand months, and every extra day that follows feels a million years. Anyone with me?

When I came home from the doctor's office the other day, you can imagine my frustration hearing that I hadn't progressed since last week. We are so close, but not quite. Many others around me have been having their second and third babes a week early, and here I am hoping ours will just come on its due date. I was frustrated at the thought of waiting beyond the due date and frustrated that jealousy was attempting to creep into my thoughts, so as soon as my daughter went down for her nap, I opened my bible to read some scripture on patience.

Trivia time: How long was Noah and his family on the Ark?

I've heard this bible story ever since I was old enough to understand language, and the only number I ever associated with The Great Flood was forty. It rained for forty days and forty nights, and while illogical, surely they exited the ark as soon as it stopped raining, right? Um, no. It was more like a year, give or take a month or two.

What an incredible amount of patience Noah and his family had to endure!

A few things stick out to me:

1. Noah and his family kept busy. Certainly anyone in their position would be anxious to race off the ark when surrounded by stinking animals, especially considering that several months were spent sitting in one place while they watched the water recede each day. Instead of lingering on when they'd leave the boat, they worked hard mucking stalls, feeding animals, and keeping seasick llamas healthy. No, the bible doesn't say what they did in those months, but I'd imagine this work had to be done. 
2. A method was devised to test if the earth was dry. Near the end of their stay on the ark, Noah sent out birds every seven days, and in time, there were several occasions that offered hope to him and his family. 
3. Even though all signs pointed toward the land being ready, they remained on the ark until instructed by God to leave. 

So, we wait. Each and every one of us, at one point or another, are given situations in which to practice patience. We wait for newborns to arrive, for new job offers, for test results, and for loans to be paid. In order to keep from growing anxious, we must prepare and keep busy. Preparing may look like washing baby clothes or updating a resume. Keeping busy may not even be related to what we wait for. It may look like helping a neighbor, cleaning the house, or training for a race. We may devise plans to reach what we patiently wait for, but ultimately, we must wait for God's instruction. 

Over the next several days, I plan to wait patiently and to keep busy and prepare for our new arrival whilst waiting on God's timing. I've also placed this verse on my fridge as a reminder until little Hughes makes his or her arrival: "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time..." Ecclesiastes 3:11a. 

Check out Genesis 8: 1-16 to read about about this patience story for yourself. 

Short & Sweet: Pocket of Air

A phone call brings me back to the reality of life, the one I push into crevices to create a pocket of air for breathing. As long as there remains a pocket of air, all is safe, and I can allow the water to swirl around me unnoticed. I ignore the places that need most attention in order to enjoy the small portion of air I breath just in front of me. The pocket of air will cave, but for now it's comfortable, and searching for a surface will mean sputtering on water and may even mean drowning before I'm pulled lifelessly out of the depths to be awakened.

I can't give details on this phone call, not in written words at least, because I fear. I fear you'll read the words and stab at the only air available to me. I'll be forced to thrash in the undercurrent before finding light and an exit. So I remain in the pocket of air. I close my eyes and visualize simple. Nature. Flowers. Breathing. Slow. Calm. Redemption.

But the phone call stirs me, brings me back to reality, and reminds me to continue searching for the surface. One day I'll share with you, and you may wish to stab at the pocket of air, but I won't be there anymore. I'll be using all my strength to find air and to make sense of direction. Holding my breath, I'll attempt to tell you the story which will be seen differently from above water. Looking into the water, the direction for surfacing makes sense. You know exactly how you'd surface, but it's different when the water is actually surrounding you. One day I'll explain from my perspective, and maybe you'll attempt to understand, and though you may not agree in whole, maybe you'll agree in part, and a sliver of mutual understanding between us will be worth the experience. Offering grace to one another will be key, because every person is different, learning, and holds a unique story. One day I'll explain, and it'll hit home for the few who are or have been in the very same water, and that shared understanding will be life-giving.

Until then, I'll attempt to search for the surface though I'd much rather close my eyes and think of simple, like a child who squats down to smell flowers, oblivious to the hurt of this world. Until then, I must remain in the searching, and that's okay.

Short & Sweet: Season

In the third trimester, pregnancy brings with it a lack of creativity and imagination when it comes to writing. That has at least been the case for me, both when I was pregnant with our daughter and now again with this one. There's still imagination, but most of it is being poured into thoughts of what the following month will hold, what the baby will look like, what name we'll choose, and so on. Creativity is in the form of nesting. Trying to organize the house and not burn it down all at the same time because of the terrible "pregnancy brain" takes some effort. Deciding how the nursery should be arranged, what color curtains to purchase, and what to place on the walls has drained me of creativity. My toddler refusing to take naps all this week has certainly played a role as well. We are in a season of waiting, and soon we'll hold our little one and begin a new season complete with its own challenges. Until then, here's my futile attempt to bring you something of worth in the form of a list. 

1. Life comes in phases, and seasons don't last forever. 

2. Seasons are beautiful and should be enjoyed, but they are also difficult and moving to the next phase is exciting. 

3. Being pregnant and caring for a toddler and not having family nearby is far from easy, but it certainly brings out the supermom in you. 

4. Bad mama days do not define you. 

5. Some seasons are more difficult than others. 

6. There are days in which you'll be at wits end with nearly everyone around you. Deep breath. Everyone has good intentions. 

7. Your child will test your limits and you'll wonder if you are doing anything right. Upon feeling a little overwhelmed, someone will bring you back to reality with a comment such as "your little one was practicing praying over her pretend food tonight in the nursery." Reminders such as this will allow you to continue being intentional as a parent. The difficult day spent with your determined, cranky, stubborn child will dissolve as evening comes to a close and she sweetly hugs and kisses you and folds her little hands when you pray before laying her down in bed. There is difficult, but the overwhelmingly precious moments remind you to stay on course. 

8. In the third trimester, it's entirely possible that you'll burn cake, freeze jello, and lock yourself out of the house wearing no shoes and having no phone to call for help. All you'll be holding is a sack of Chinese food with the look of panic on your face because your child is inside. (Thankfully she was already in bed and fast asleep, and thankfully the dog didn't wake her with his incessant barking, and thankfully you found a neighbor with a garage door battery so you could get back inside within a half hour.) In those moments, be consoled that you're not the only one feeling a tad crazy. 

9. It's going to be okay. You're doing great! 

Short & Sweet: Rest

Today's Short & Sweet will live up to its name.

I'm drained. Yesterday, I dealt with a sore throat and today it's sinuses, sensitive ears, and a cave-enclosed head. Yet, I have little room for complaints. This whole pregnancy has been smooth and I've been healthy. Along with that, feeling this way comes in perfect timing in the grand scheme of life. September involves teaching and October involves a newborn. So today, while exhausted and sore, I'm choosing to be thankful. Today, instead of focusing on my circumstances, I've focused on praying for others dealing with a multitude of difficult situations. But now, it's time to focus on getting rest for both baby and I. No more computer screens. No more newfound piercing screams from my toddler. No more extreme thinking. Rest. Quiet. Peace. 

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 

Short & Sweet: Keep Trying

5 years ago, my dad became an ordained minister. Yesterday, my brother said yes to preaching after feeling led to do so for about a year. That woman in between them, that's my mom, the wife who left her husband on a ladder with a log in hand on a Sunday because he stubbornly refused to get right with God until the cabin was built and the mother who desperately wanted her babies (my sister, brother, and I) to grow up in a good and loving home in every possible way. Without her willingness to seek God, I have my doubts that any of us would be where we are. I'm thankful for her desire to know God, for her countless prayers, and for the loving home she's inspired me to have for our little family. 

Fellow moms, I don't know about you, but I fail daily as a wife and a mom. Many moments are spent in tears and frustration, though it gets better with time and perspective. Growing up, I never felt like my mom failed as either wife or mom, though on multiple occasions she's told me otherwise. I'm thankful for her honesty, because it gives me hope that my daughter will see her mama's attempts at patience and that she will ultimately know that I was fully human but gave every ounce of effort into raising her. It gives me hope that my husband will forgive and love and pray for me just as my dad did for my mom, and that we will stand alongside one another on this parenting journey. 

In this season of raising little ones, it's not always easy to muster the courage and strength needed for long and tiring days. You do it anyway. Loving relentlessly, living your best by the fruit of the spirit, and praying for your spouse and children, you attempt motherhood. There are weak days, days when you feel your child only sees the ugly, and days when you convince yourself that if there were a gold medal for slacking, you'd win with the best time. The good news is this: God extends grace on your bad days, your children are forgiving, and your spouse loves unconditionally. When you feel like giving up, keep trying, and remember that your bad minute, hour, or day does not define you. 

Short & Sweet: cleaning carpet grace

I rose early this morning because I forgot to turn the 5:30 alarm off from yesterday. Instead of falling back to sleep, my daughter also heard the alarm, and beckoned my attention. Tired and groggy, we made our way to the kitchen to eat breakfast and afterward I put her back in the crib for "quiet time" because she was in rare form. I wasn't in a very pleasant mood myself. I made my way back to the kitchen table and prayed that God would give me grace and mercy to get through the long day ahead and that I might show grace to my daughter.

An hour later, the dog decided that the family room downstairs was as good a place as any to take a dump. He never does this, so you can imagine the frustration. Meanwhile, my daughter is throwing a fit because she's over quiet time. I get her out of bed and take her downstairs with me. She hands me paper towels as I scrub stains out of the carpet. I wasn't feeling God's grace or mercy as I tried to avoid breathing in the stench made ten times more pungent by pregnancy.

I voiced my opinions to God as I cleaned the carpet with tested patience.

How is this grace on an already difficult and early morning with a thousand other things on the list to prepare for next week's vacation? Now I can't get the shopping done this morning because here I am trying to clean this carpet. Now nothing is going to go right today. My day is ruined! 

Sometimes my prayers to God, which are often in the form of a one-sided conversation, come across completely dramatic. Though impatient and frustrated, and though shopping would have to wait until after my daughter had her nap, grace happened. We made our way upstairs and I let her have a snack as I washed dishes. Sitting down her snack, something she rarely does, she walked over and blew kisses to me. I stopped washing dishes and bent down to blow kisses back, and that's when she spread out her little arms and wrapped them around my neck.

Today, that moment, was the first time she offered both a hug and a kiss voluntarily, and you bet my eyes were a little misty as I stood back up and continued washing dishes. This was grace, and how beautiful when God's grace is represented from the actions of a child.

Short & Sweet: Chris Marlow Book

Upon receiving the book, "Doing Good Is Simple", I started by scoping out the premise. I've always believed that doing good doesn't have to be difficult. It might look like taking ornaments to elderly folk in a nursing home, gifting toys to Angel Tree, or helping at a soup kitchen. However, the idea of "simple" encompassing such a major global issue as poverty and orphaned children seems impossible. I was skeptical as to what author Chris Marlow would offer to make global issues seem less daunting and paralyzing. After reading this book, I can say with certainty that global issues can be fought without changing a whole lot to how you currently live. You don't have to travel to Africa or Haiti to make a change, and you don't have write a check every month, unless, of course, that's the direction God leads you. Chris Marlow challenges readers with the idea that simple is significant, and he uses scripture throughout the book to defend these ideas. He also shares his story of being an orphan which powerfully places the reader into his shoes rather than focusing on countless facts.

Another reason I was skeptical to read this book was because I assumed he would attempt to make a "donate to my organization and help alleviate poverty" claim. Anyone who knows me will quickly raise their hand on the understanding that I don't like being told what to do. Ask my parents, my siblings, my husband. Ordering me to do something often leads to bull-headedness. It's a struggle. So while reading this book, I was apprehensive whilst waiting for Marlow to subtly sneak supporting his cause, his passion, his organization Help One Now, and his mission within the pages of his book. Marlow doesn't do this in any part of the book. In fact, there is one point in which he suggests choosing an organization that works best for your own family. He also suggests focusing on your own passions to make good changes in the world. That may look like writing, sewing, baking, building, cleaning, or farming.

This book is a must read for anyone looking to make a difference in the world but struggling to know how to do so. It's for the mom who feels she doesn't have the time to do anything worthwhile. It's for the man struggling to lead his home. It's for the college student considering God's purpose for their life. It's for you.

If you are interested in reading this book, click on the picture to preorder a copy. If you preorder before the book comes out on August 2nd, you'll receive a bunch of resources: an ebook, access to podcasts, writings from other authors, and more!

Short & Sweet: live simply, serve daily

Live simply and serve daily.

Sometimes we must embrace the mess of the moment while desire remains on hold.

When our eyes gloss over at the simply living within our lives, we must pray for new vision. Simply living requires facing those tasks, approaching them with ready hands and a willing heart, and giving ourselves to serving.

We have desires that make us come alive, give us purpose, and allow us to process the world. These passions, these desires, are often an opportunity to give. However, desire and passion become dull and meaningless when we fail to live simply and fully. Therefore, we must set them aside for a season in order that we might bring a greater offering to the table.

We must...
clean the laundry room, 
bake bread,
speak to a stranger,
wait patiently,
color with our children,
listen,
encourage. 
serve and give to others.

We weren't created only to accomplish what we find most important and fulfilling in our lives. We were created to serve and give fully in every offering, both significant and small. Oftentimes, the small offerings served with a sweet spirit become significant.

Jesus washed his disciples feet. This was significant because the Messiah was humbly serving, but the act itself was small. The act of washing feet before entering an establishment was a common and often unnoticed task. Servants who took on this task weren't looked upon with admiration. They washed the caked dirt from grass-stained, calloused, pungent feet. They served and did so without recognition. We must do the same. We must set aside what boasts ourselves so that we might serve others and Christ.

We must live simply and serve daily.

Short & Sweet: Simple Days

Yesterday, my little girl ate yellow squash without disdain, and it was a proud MOMent since she refuses vegetables on a daily basis. In true mama fashion, I couldn't help but brag on such progress, because it came so unexpectedly. Placing a short post on Facebook, someone soon commented saying, "sometimes it's the little things."

How true. The little things unexpectedly grab us and remind us to focus on the progress-making. When I put my daughter to bed last night, I took a few minutes to remind her and myself of all the little things, the seemingly insignificant things that are actually important and crucial, that we had accomplished that day, including my burning of a grilled cheese because my focus was on cleaning up spilled milk.

Her little eyes stared up at me as she quietly listened to me recall the events that made up our day, her quietude another "little thing" to add to the list when she typically squirms and fusses before bed. As I spoke of our day, the cataracts that clogged my vision cleared and I realized that such a simple Tuesday would likely be the most significant day of the week in the life of my one year old, thus making it my most significant day as well.

There were no bells and whistles to our Tuesday. It was a day at home filled with chores and fun and learning, but that day is one I hope to never forget. It was a day that God had made, and we were thankful and joyful. Sometimes our simplest days are most crucial in the grandeur of life.

For anyone who wishes a seemingly unimportant day could hold more meaning, I'd recommend Emily Freeman's book, Simply Tuesday: Small-Moment Living in a Fast-Moving World, in which Emily offers her perspective on slowing down, a practice difficult for many, especially myself.